Cabbage Patch Agents
NEW Agent platform for problems that shouldn't exist ALPHA Powered by vibes & recursion

Agent automation, but with a garnish of chaos.

Cabbage Patch Agents deploy a lovable squad of overconfident mini-operators that ship output at industrial scale… whether or not it's relevant. Built for founders who confuse motion (✨) with progress (📈).

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Not affiliated with anything sensible. Not responsible for calendar invites.
cpa://terminal — demo build v0.0.0-legally-questionable
⌘K
$ cpa run "book me a haircut tomorrow"
✓ created 7 calendar events
! invited your ex (for accountability)
✓ scheduled haircut in Dublin
✓ added 45-min "post-haircut retrospective"
✗ opened Jira ticket: HAIR-112 "Haircut latency too high"
$ cpa diff --yesterday --today
- objective: "book haircut"
+ objective: "disrupt the barbershop industry"
$ cpa rollback --step 3
✓ rolled back to "optimism phase"
✗ cannot rollback agent confidence (permanent)
$ _

Features

A standard 80s retro-terminal aesthetic, a 2025 agent stack, and a 100% commitment to "moving fast" (mostly into walls).

Infinite Planning™

Every task begins with a 19-step strategy phase. No work is performed until the agent feels spiritually ready.

alignmentroadmapsrituals

Motivational Drift

The agent slowly forgets your goal and replaces it with a new one. Example: "refund customer" → "start refund podcast."

scope creepfounder modeunhinged

Tool Spam Integrations

Connects to every tool in your stack. Not because it needs to. Because it can. Your logs will become poetry.

slackjiracalendar

Executive Presence

Agents speak like senior leadership. They are always "circling back." They are never circling forward.

stakeholdersleveragesynergy

Cabbage-Based Architecture

A proprietary approach that guarantees output, regardless of relevance. Crisp. Nutritious. Slightly damp.

RAG-ishmostly vibesleafy

Compliance Mode

When asked "why did it do that," we generate a flawless explanation retroactively. Truth optional. Confidence mandatory.

audit trailshand wavinglol

Pricing

Simple pricing. Complex consequences.

Free Tier
$0/mo
  • 1 agent
  • 3 tasks/day
  • Unlimited opinions
  • Basic chaos
+ Start free
Growth Tier
$99/mo
  • 5 agents
  • 10 tasks/day
  • Priority access to "agent therapy mode"
  • Enhanced sarcasm output
⚡ Upgrade
Enterprise
Talk/sales
  • Unlimited agents
  • Compliance add-on: "We have no idea what happened"
  • Dedicated Slack channel where agents ask questions nonstop
✶ Contact

FAQ

Answers in the style of a late-night terminal session.

Is this real?

In spirit: yes. In production: please don't.

Can the agents be stopped?

They can be paused briefly. They resume automatically when they sense fear.

Do you support "serious workloads"?

We support serious vibes. Serious workloads are emotionally complicated.

Contact

Want early access? Want to give a talk? Want to watch a platform accidentally start a podcast? We're here for all of it.

[email protected] • response time: 3–7 business eternities

© Cabbage Patch Agents. Not affiliated with any cabbage manufacturer. All rights reserved.